Wait, wait, wait…” Jay says, interrupting me in his gaysally voice while pulling apart his chopsticks and using them to shovel a wad of wasabi into his soy sauce. “You’re telling me that your entire life was changed by listening to some homeless guy give a speech at school today?”
“I never said he was homeless.”
“Well the way you describe him makes him sound homeless. Nappy dreads, goatee…”
“You have a goatee.”
“Yeah but I also have a home, one that’s not made of cardboard boxes and milk crates.” he says, mixing his wasabi and soy sauce with such fervor that it ends up all over the table and me.
“A little restraint.” I ask as I wipe my soy splattered shirt with a napkin.
“Oh don’t be a queen, your shirt is black anyway, it’ll blend right in.” he chides, dipping a piece of rainbow roll in his sauce and then stuffing it in his mouth while continuing to talk. “So the way you said this guy looked…Courtney? Kerry?”
“Sure. It just made me think of your typical transient trash troll, that’s all. No need to get your pubes tied up in a knot about it.”
“I never said my pubes-you know what? Can I just get back to what I was saying before you interrupted me?”
“By all means.” he says, cramming another piece of sushi in his mouth. “Tell me all about this awakening you had today, this moment of clarity, this-“
“Is making me think you’re being a jack-off right now.”
“Yes you. Who else is in this dump besides us?”
He scans the restaurant and realizes it’s just the two of us, our waitress and the unkempt sushi chef who’s licking something off the very knife he used to prepare our food with.
“This is not a dump.” he protests. “It’s an authentic dining experience modeled after the iconic Akachochins I love to visit in Japan.”
“Well we’re not in Japan, Jay, we’re in Van Nuys, which makes this place nothing more than a dark, dingy shithole where the only thing more dangerous than the gangbangers loitering in the parking lot is the “C” rated food sitting on our plates.”
“Well, your majesty, since this place offends your sensibilities so much I’ll be sure to never invite you here again.”
“I really hope you mean that.” I say, hunching over to sniff my Philly roll to make sure it’s safe for consumption.
“Jesus Helen Keller Christ, I don’t see you for three months and in that time you’ve become Gwyneth Paltrow sitting high atop your throne and judging us all.” He complains as he takes a slurp of his Sapporo beer.
“Is there any reason you’re being saltier than the soy sauce tonight?” I ask.
He takes another swig, glares at me, belches and then softens up.
“I’m sorry I’m just really upset and being a total hag about it, you don’t deserve my ire.” he confesses.
“Anything you wanna talk about?”
“No, go on with your personal transformation story.”
“Yes I’m sure. It’s far too traumatizing for me to talk about right now so let’s focus on you.”
“Ok then, like I was saying-“
“FINE! If you’re gonna keep hounding me about it then I guess I have no other choice but to tell you!”
“Lucky me.” I say with a long sigh. “So what horrible tragedy has befallen you, my friend?”
“The Latin guy you’ve been dating for a while?”
“Past tense, was dating. We broke up yesterday.”
“Really? Why? I thought you said he might be the one.”
“I know and I really thought so too but he uh…”
“He…ummmm…sheesh how do I say it?”
“Oh cut the shit. You’ve never had a problem with anything coming out of your mouth or going into it for that matter. So just say what it is you need to say before the suspense bores me to death.”
“Ugh! He caught me trying to cheat on him!”
“He did? With who? How?”
The adulterer lets out a long, dramatic moan while fanning his Botox filled face then goes on.
“It all started a couple weeks ago when he saw the Grindr app on my phone and asked me why I needed that since I had him.”
“And what’d you say?”
“I told him I’d had it long before I’d met him and had forgotten it was there. Then he asked So you don’t use it anymore to meet random guys to fuck? And I told him no.”
“Were you lying?”
“NO!!! I hadn’t been on it that day so technically I wasn’t lying but he still didn’t believe me, can you believe that?!”
“Easily.” I say as I take a gamble with my health and start eating.
“You know, I can’t decide if you’re my best enemy or my worst friend sometimes.”
“Anyhow, in an attempt to smooth things over I deleted the app in front of him and at the time that fixed everything.”
“But let me guess, in true Jay fashion you went and reinstalled it behind his back didn’t you?”
“Maybe.” he says while looking away and gnawing on his chopsticks.
“Ok yes, I probably did!”
“Why would you do that if you liked him so much?”
“Because I get bored when I’m alone and drinking Patron, Ok?!”
“So take up a hobby! One that doesn’t involve tequila and fucking strangers on the internet!”
“Are you here to listen or lecture?”
“Oh I’m sorry, are my observations pissing on your penis parade?”
“They’re a torrential downpour.” he whines as he rubs his temples.
“My bad. Please continue with your tales of woe.”
“Thank you, Judge Judas. So like I was saying, I reinstalled it because I suffer from acute boredom and do you know what that sneaky little Matlin did?”
“I have no idea.”
“He entrapped me!”
“How, pray tell me, did he do this?”
“He went and made a profile on Grindr using a different name and only posted a picture of his backside. So the other night I’m on the site and come across his page-“
“And you hit him up not knowing it was him…”
“And I hit him up not knowing it was him.” he confirms.
“How do you NOT recognize the backside of your own fucking boyfriend?”
“I don’t know! But it was very captivating because never in my life have I propositioned anyone on Grindr before without seeing their face first.”
“That last part is a hard one to buy but whatever. So I take it he called you out on it?”
“You bet he did, called me right away yelling and screaming that I was a liar and a cheater…and a lousy cook…that one really stung.”
“This guy really knows where to stick the knife doesn’t he?”
“Right in my fucking heart.” he says, clutching his chest. “But since he’s never had my pork tenderloin he obviously has no idea what he’s talking about.”
“Obviously. So what ridiculous defense did you try and mount against his empirical evidence?”
“I asked him how it was considered cheating if the guy I wanted to cheat on him with was him. I said if anything he should feel good about it because it’s apparent that the only person I wanna fuck is him…even when I don’t know that it’s him who it is I wanna fuck.”
“Wow, dude, how do you ever find pants big enough to fit those gigantic balls of yours in?”
“I don’t know but in the end he didn’t go for any of it.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“And he told me he never wants to see me again.”
“Still not surprised.”
“I’m such a flawed individual.” he says, wiping away an imaginary teardrop from his face.
“Welcome to the club, Buttercup.”
“Do you have any idea how many gay men don’t care about monogamy and I get stuck with the ONE gay who does? I’ve been bamboozled I tell you! BAMBOOZLED!” he yells while slamming his hand down on the table, causing our waitress to scream something at him in Japanese.
“Oh pipe down, Konnichiwa, you’re lucky I didn’t wear my Godzilla mask in here tonight.” he snaps back. “Anyway, what was I saying?”
“Something about you being the victim in all of this.”
“Oh that’s right, I ended up getting stuck with the one monogamized gay in L.A. Had it been anyone else they would’ve easily said Oh, Jay darling, I don’t care if you wanna fuck other people and if you do be sure to make them dinner afterwards because you’re such an amazing cook.”
“Do we need to find you a support group so you can heal? Maybe go to an al-anon meeting again since it’s free therapy?”
“Oh fuck off, mister. Let’s hear about this Sermon on the Mount you attended today so I can quit talking about fucking myself in ways I don’t enjoy.”
“Ok, but now that I’m thinking about it, before I get back to it you have to promise me something.”
“Didn’t I just demonstrate that I’m horrible at keeping my word with the whole Matlin thing?”
“I have faith in you…not really…but it was fun to say aloud.”
“What do I need to promise you, Stuke?” he asks with a groan.
“That at no point will you interject with the words I told you so.”
“I can’t promise that! It’s my favorite thing to do! And right now I could really use some cheering up so don’t ask that of me, ok?”
“Promise.” I tell him as he reaches over and grabs a piece of my roll, plops it in his mouth and chomps down on it with his arms crossed like a petulant child.
“Ok! But only because I’m in a vulnerable place right now and you’re taking full advantage of it, you emotional rapist you.”